


One/Two Shots I Do Instead Of Other Works (And Actual Work)

by MatieskiTheMistake



Series: Expanded Works [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Cedric Diggory's dead body gave me PTSD, Gen, I wrote this while listening to conan grays music, One Shot, Other, Self-Insert, if im being honest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:20:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26632765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatieskiTheMistake/pseuds/MatieskiTheMistake
Summary: Sometimes I get an idea, and im writing it down before I or it is coherent. So I refine it. And expand on it. And then we get this, instead of the other work you actually want to read. Yayyy.
Series: Expanded Works [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937530
Kudos: 3





	1. The Hufflepuff Boggart Boy Cryptid (Ft. chatty Ravenclaws)

**_POV:_ ** _The Monday after Sunday's Gryffindor Quidditch mishap, the second year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws finally get to meet their first DADA teacher... and their own fears. Poor cryptid._

I look back to Professor Lupin, repeating the wand movements one more time, and nod for him to open the door of the cupboard. The upbeat muggle music brings a smile to my face, and invigorates me like it does everything else. He smiles, gives me a thumbs up, and then with a flick of his wand, the door slowly creaks open.

I wonder what my boggart will be. Im afraid of the dark, obviously, and I generally get scared easily (hence the Hufflepuff)), so maybe like an old... Er... Future slenderman jumpsc-

Suddenly a small ball comes bursting out of the cabinet, bouncing twice with a lonely set of thuds before coming to a stop near me. It wasnt a ball. It was a human skull, and all I can make of it is long, strawberry blond hair in an undercut, with half of their brains pooling in front of me, blood rapidly expanding on the floor. I furrow my brows in confusion, until I realize what it was, with a growing horror.

Death.

Fenrir Grayback stomps out of the cupboard holding a- no, my body up by the collar. Professor Lupin goes paler than his chalk. As he moves to throw my body to the floor, he suddenly turns to dust, and it turns into Cedric Diggory's body, hitting the floor in front of me with a thud to catch the attention of the whole class, if it wasn't already.

Voldemort steps into existence with a black mist around the bottom of his robes, holding his wand at me, before a green light erupts from it, and then its James and Lily on the floor, with Pettigrew dead at his feet. I dont even know how he died in the series, but his hand is missing and hes there anyway.

When the light gets brighter, it suddenly turns red, and Sirius Black is standing before the Veil, Professor Lupin assuming the position of Harry Potter. Bellatrix Lestrange stands in Voldemort's place, before she casts the wordless spell, and Sirius is pushed back.

Professor Lupin is as white as a sheet, and steps through the illusion to get to me, but not before it turns into Fred Weasley, with half his head blown off and ear missing. Then, without a second blink, it turns into the moon, about to be obscured by clouds.

I don't even realize I'm crying until Lupin wraps his arms around my shoulders, hugging me to his chest as he moves me through the quiet classroom. He pushes out the door, holding my small Second Year frame, presumably to take me to the nurses office. Or the Headmaster to report me for knowing those deaths. He couldn't possibly know that I'm reborn, right? What if he...

Oh.. We're at the nurses office already. He's practically holding me up, and I feel not a single muscle in my face. That's... Bad, right?

He opens the door, and I see Gryffindors hanging around Harry Potter's bed. Dumbly, I realize hes recieving his shattered broomstick. And I have to go and ruin cannon like that. Huh.

Fred Weasley, and George, turn to look at me, but all I can see is Fred with his face and ear torn off. I look away.

Professor Lupin talks to Madam Pomfrey but.. I can't actually hear the words being said. Is this what shock is like? Did I really go into shock because of a boggart? I've seen it all before, except for my death, so maybe thats whats wrong. A change. It sure isn't a good one.

Oh... I'm laying down? When did that...

Who's standing over there? Why.. Did I do something wrong? Why is the Headmaster here?

...

Its dark in here. Why am I in the Nurses office?

"Shock, dearie."

I look up to see Professor Sprout and Madam Pomfrey sitting nearby, each with a cup of tea. I'm the only person in any of the beds.

Did I say that out loud?

"Yes. Seems you still need a little more brain function to get back at it," Madam Pomfrey responds, checking a wristwatch.

Ugh, Mondays.... On second thought, Ugh, Cognitive thought.

Professor Sprout laughs, setting her teacup down.

"You're all clear to leave then, if you can make those jokes. I'll see you next week, Pomona?"

"Gladly, Poppy," Professor Sprout says, pecking the top of Madam Pomfrey's head.

Huh. I didn't know we had gay Icons at Hogwarts.

And I must have at least said it in my head, because neither of them are freaking out. Hooray.

Professor Sprout walks over to my bed, grabbing the blanket and taking it off of me by folding it over itself at the foot of the bed. She takes my hands and helps me swing my feet over the side, allowing me to sit completely upright before even attempting standing me up.

"You did have quite a few visitors," she says, helping me slowly slide off the bed to stand, "that Fred twin stopped by, and so did Diggory! Remus and Severus even came here at the same time, too!"

Teachers visited me? Oh no... I can't _wait_ to hear what the students are saying about me then..

"Up you get. Now, lets take you back to the common room then, shall we?"

And so we did. She brought me past the kitchens, but not before getting hot cocoa for us both, and towards the barrels. Just as I was finishing my cup, she opens the door.

The barrel door isn't as small as one would expect. Its about the size of a hobbit door, like the dormitory doors, and has a knot on the bottom rim of the second barrel, second from the floor, where you're supoosed to tap 'Hel-ga Huff-Le-Puff' with your wand. A small rope and board ladder swings down as the door swings in, and thats how you get inside.

And, despite her age, Professor Sprout can bustle up that ladder faster than I can. Practice, maybe? Who knows, not me! I always miss at least one rung and then almost slip.

Except she hauled me up when I did so. Shes awesome. I love Hufflepuff. But mostly the snack tables. Yeah, I just like the snack tables. But that's completely irrelevant.

...Should I start saying cryptid shit to the main characters? I could be a cryptid. Boggart boy. Alliteration. Nice. 'Don't take the goblet, boy.' Hhhahahahha... Fuck it.

When I walk into the common room, theres a large group of fifth years, hoarded around some second years, and in the very middle, the sparkly vampire himself, Cedric Diggory. They look up at Professor Sprout, and then to me. The second years glance nervously between us, before slowly departing to their dorms. The Professor coughs into her hand, before slowly ushering me forward.

"Now, I do not want him disturbed unless _absoloutely_ necessary. He saw quite a fright today, so if you would wait until breakfast tomorrow so he can rest up, then you can ask your questions. Yes? Good," she turns to me, "I'm going to get some rest myself. If these hooligans bother you, you know where to get me. Goodnight Badgers!"

"Goodnight, Professor," the group choruses. 

They wait in silence until they can hear the barrel seal shut, before rounding on me. Its quiet until Cedric clears his throat. So I look at him.

"Don't trust the goblet," I say cryptically, like a cryptic, before ghosting up to my room without another word. The group pales dramatically when I turn past them, and I feel the room get colder, so I think the fire went out. Thank you house elves.

Now, how to avoid the potions master, when he's my first class of the day tomorrow....


	2. Midnight Snack (Feat three actual SNACCS)

**_POV:_ ** _Local Cryptic Boi TM wakes up from night terrors, after three days of skipping classes. Goes to the kitchen, and who does he see? Yay... Remus Lupin and Severus Snape, both pale and drinking from custom mugs. I just wanted some cookies, yo..._

I open my eyes. That... Was not fun. Rolling back from the wall, I discover my body pillow on the ground. That could be one reason. Yay.

The whole week, I've been skipping classes. I talked to my two friends, Luna and Ginny, and have decided to become the Hogwarts Cryptic. (Turns out no one bothers to learn the quiet kid's name, when there isn't a roster. So. Boggart Boy it is!) At this point, if I run into any of my teachers, I'm probably going to combust. It would be a rather awkward conversation as to why I've been skipping.

So, sliding out of my bed, I throw the covers and pillows back onto it, before slowly walking to the door. I pause, listening for anyone, before opening the round door and slipping out. Quietly, and only in my socks, I step down the tile hallway and stairs, before stopping on the plush carpet of the commons.

Should I put pants on? ... Nah. I'll be fine, this shirt covers my underwear.

Shrugging, I walk to the door, pulling the lever that leads directly to the kitchens. When the stone finally slides aside, I step through, and head down the stairs. I should make some cocoa for me and Luna. Shes always awake when I can't sleep. She just _knows._

I get to the bottom of the stairs, and I'm greeted by Titi.

"Hello! Hows does mister need assistance tonight?"

I smile, shes so smol. Ugh, I love her.

"The usual please, Flower," I respond, slowly walking towards the mug cabinet. Some students and teachers regular to the kitchens, mostly because of social anxiety, so theres a cabinet just for us.

Grabbing the stepstool, I get onto the top step and open the cabinet, reaching into the back to grab my skull mug. (Its cool, and I don't want the Slytherins using it because they dont wash theirs out!) With it safely in hand, I step down and fold back up the ladder, setting it beside the cabinet. Before closing the cabinet, I grab Luna's moon cup in the other hand. Setting them both the counter right next to it, I grab enough cocoa packets to fill both cups.

Titi appears next to me, setting down the hot water and sugar cubes. I prepare Luna's first, because she only likes two cubes, while I take four (and some alcohol). And, I avoid accidentally pouring the water on myself, because my Episkey is pretty weak. Titi waits patiently, humming a wierd song next to me. Probably a wierd wizard band.

Once I've stirred it in, and its not all chunky, I gently hand it to TiTi by the rim. She takes it on a plate of cookies, and I tell her where it needs to go. And then once she pops out of sight, I lean down and open the teacher's alcohol cabinet. (You can't tell me that Snape _doesn't_ spike his coffee in the morning. Its like, not possible.)

Grabbing the whiskey, because vodka is a littlle much for one am, I pour about two and a half tablespoons into it. I'm pretty sure that this one is DumbAsADoor's, because it tastes sweeter than McGonagall's. In any case, I shove it back into the cabinet and come back up to the counter.

Grabbing my sugar, I halfhazardly toss it in, before using the spoon to mix it vigorously. None spills, unsurprisingly, and when I take a sip, it has cooled sufficiently enough that I recieve minimal burning to my mouth. Aka scalding. Perfect.

(And that, kids, is how I make hot cocoa.)

Sliding across the floor to one of the house tables, I grab a plate of (weed) cookies left for me before heading towards the painting area. That's where the comfiest chairs are. And by comfy I mean literally cushioning charmed to oblivion and back. Anyway.

I slip past the corner and come to a complete stop. Severus Snape is sitting tiredly at a table, next to a very pale Remus Lupin, with a potions flask between them.

Oh no.

Its near the full moon.

Like, three weeks near.

Fuccckkkk...

I turn very slowly, and am about to head back around the corner when I'm stopped again.

"Twenty points from Hufflepuff for eavesdropping," Snape calls out.

"I- I don't," I stutter, "I just got here, I swear!" Turning back around, I hold up the plate and cup as a surrender to the Slytherin Potions Master. He looks down at my leg. I look down at my leg.

"Ah..."

I panic.

I'm not wearing fucking pants. Fuckkkkkkkkk....

"I can explain," I try. How do I explain...

Lupin pales. Even more. Is he okay??? Wait, hes a werewolf, of course not.

"Excuse me. Twenty points to Hufflepuff. Goodbye," he says, quickly taking the flask and rushing out the portrait. I glance at him before looking back at the irritated look on Snape's face.

At least theres a seat open now? Slowly, I shuffle/slide over to the seat he just left, setting my plate and cup down.

"Uhm. Sorry for uh.. Interrupting," I say, brushing the long shirt past my butt as I sit. Like a girl in a dress. Fuck, I thought I grew out of that. Eh, less wrinkles.

"There was nothing to interrupt," he drawls, taking another drink of.. Whatever he was drinking. I look at him again. Now that im thinking about it, he does have some darkness under his eyes. How long does it take to brew wolfsbane?

He looks at me, and I can feel a small, unobtrusive push against the middle of my forehead. Oh shit, hes a ligillimens, i almost-

PanicPanicPanicpanicpanic- MOTHMAN- Screamatthewrong- Headfallstothefloor,bloodsplattering- linesonmywrists- painpaINPAINPAIN- skinrippedfromtheframe,painpain- scarsandwrongwronGWRONGWRONGWRONGMAKEITSTOP- FUCK YOU, GOATMAN-

"Its not who you think did it, you know," I blurt. Immediately after I shove a cookie in my mouth and look down.

He is.. Not allowed to have that information. Ever. That was not okay. With a capital N.O.

"What? What could you possibly think you mean," he snaps.

I chew. Slowly. This is also the time to panic. I said the wrong thing. I'm completely screwed. No more cryptid for me!!

Swallowing, I respond.

"Sirius," I say slowly, gauging his reaction as I reach for my cup. He bristles slightly, but stays silent and still. "It wasnt him. It was the rat."

"And what would you know?" I think hes caught on to my change in subject.

"That you want to kill who betrayed her. Get the fame for it. Be acknowledged," I start, ready to debate. "But it wasnt who you think it was. If anything, he gave his life for them. You may just be Snivelus-"

"How do you know that name?" His voice is mad, and I glance up. I regret it. He looks sad, and angry, and confused, and so so lost. But mostly angry.

"Because thats all you'll be to him. But he didnt do it. Dont give him another reason. High school bullies will always want the upper hand. But if you ask him, he'll tell you who did, because they were more important than him. Always," I mutter into my cup. I drag my feet up into my chair, tucking them to the side and under my shirt. It also covers the scar from my bike chain. Taking a long drink, I listen to him shuffle around.

He stands, and I glance up. He looks contemplative, but with how hard hes clutching his mug, its hard to be sure.

So I offer him a cookie.

"What?"

I gesture with the cookie. (The weed cookie.)

"Why... Ugh. Nevermind," he takes the cookie. (The weed cookie.) "Five points for every class of mine you have skipped, Hufflepuff. Make sure you are on _time_ tomorrow," he says, in his signature saying voice.

"Sir, yes, sir!" I jokingly salute, setting my cup down with my other hand. He stares, before swishing out of the room with his ridiculously fabulous cape. (Does he sleep in it?? I wonder.)

As soon as the portrait finally swings closed, I sigh, slumping into the chair, and eating a cookie.

"That was rather strange," Luna curiously intones, from where Snape was sitting.

"jESUS CHRIST, LUNA!" And I then proceed to fall out of my chair.


End file.
